After ten nights of 12+ hours of sleep (woo hoo!) Oliver must have had a bad dream last night and woke up around 9:30pm. He was really spooked and crying with full tears and working to catch his breath. I scooped him up, cuddled him in a blanket and rocked him. He quickly nestled into my arms and as he worked to stop his short breaths he played with my hair (a new darling little habit) and I thought about the incredible life of Oliver, his baby days, and how quickly they are passing. It had been months since I'd wrapped him in a blanket like that, a reminder of the first months of swaddling and the hours I spent sleeping in the recliner with his tiny body snoozing soundly against my chest (only to awake as soon as he was put down of course).One of the most remarkable things about motherhood has been how natural and simple it feels for me. After the baby blues and the troubles of breastfeeding, becoming his Mommy has felt very easy, like a true match. I feel like I am meant to be here for him and to be a mother, like it's just the most innate thing I've done. There are very confusing moments, hard moments, challenging moments, countless exhausting and frustrating moments, but mostly I feel that these 14 months have been abundantly full of simply joyous moments.
No denying Oliver is a bit slow to walk, not on the developmental charts, but at least compared to friends. I think that it has given me some precious extra moments of baby time, for which I am grateful. He still wants to be held (needs to be carried) and just now, as he is discovering independence, sass, defiance and motion, he seems to be having a simultaneous step back and has spent a lot of time cuddled in my lap, wanting to be near me. He stands near me, holds my pant legs, pulls himself into my arms and crawls all over me, but not just in a roughhouse way, in a quiet and sweet "I love my Mommy" way.
As exhausting as a newborn is, in large part due to their total dependence on a mother, I feel that the small sadness and nostalgia of a first birthday is the beginning of separating from a child. He grows more independent all the time and someday won't need me at all. I suppose the parenting goal is to ensure he grows to be healthy and independent and also grows to choose his family, of free will.
I have to say I doubt there will be a moment when Oliver doesn't need you, Jess. I am 31 and still think about how I need my mom, in little moments, all the time. Granted, that dependence certainly transforms. And I imagine that can be very hard for the mama. But there will be ways in which Oliver will reach out to you for as long as you are here (and maybe even after that). It's quite extraordinary.
ReplyDeleteThis post made me a bit teary! It is amazing and exciting to see the personality and independence grow, but I do miss those days of super-snuggly-newborn. Nathan didn't walk until 15 months, and I felt similarly to you--I got to hold on to my baby just a little bit longer. Oh, and have I ever mentioned just how stinkin' adorable Oliver is??
ReplyDeletethanks ladies. :)
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