Life and Death

Chris' father, Cary, died last December. It was all really fast and we're still recovering from the intensity of it all. Chris, Oliver and I went to Michigan for the weekend just to see how he was doing, planning to take him to the hospital and assuming we'd settle back into a new type of normal, as had been the protocol for years. Four days later he was gone...

Oliver was with us the whole weekend. When we first arrived we went straight to the ER to see Cary and I had no idea how much it would affect Oliver. I suppose I was still thinking of him as a baby that is oblivious to his surroundings, but I was wrong. As soon as we walked into the room he was clearly upset and bothered and I ended up hanging out with him in the hallways for an hour while Chris talked to the doctors and nurses.

Fortunately Chris' cousin and her family live about 10 minutes from that hospital and offered to care for Oliver most of that entire long weekend while we ended up moving him to Hospice, admitting his mother to the hospital for observational care and eventually telling him goodbye. He knew "Grandpa sick" and seemed to process the situation in his own toddler way, which is nearly impossible to navigate. Once Cary was in the Hospice wing, we decided to take Oliver to say goodbye. Cary had asked to see him and while I was confused if it would traumatize my son, I decided it was one of the few things Cary asked for in those last days and that Oliver was ultimately a resilient kid. We let him get comfy in Grandma's room across the hall, playing in her wheelchair, eating popcisles, and then eventually took him into Grandpas room. He held tightly in my arms and said a few potent things, "Grandpa sick? Grandpa sick. Grandpa sleeping." Cary woke up and saw Oliver and told him he was tired and that he loved him. Without prompting Oliver said, "Love you Grandpa, love you Grandpa, love you Grandpa." I then leaned over with him and he gave him a little hug and then Ollie kind of bounced back and seemed more his normal manic toddler self, wanting to get down and play around in the room. I almost think he said his peace, had a moment with his dying grandfather, and knew it was ok to move on with the living part of life.

That was about 5 weeks ago and in the past week Oliver has started talking about it again. We were walking out of the gym yesterday and out of nowhere he said (loudly), "Grandpa died!?" He's brought it up on his own three times in a few days. I try to talk to him about it. I tell him that it's ok to miss Grandpa and that Grandpa still loves him, but we won't see him until we go to Heaven too." I don't know that I even comprehend heaven quite that literally, but what else do you tell a 2 year old about his first tangible death experience? He doesn't seem upset at all, just aware. As we talk about it, he moves on very quickly.

We have to be sort of careful about the word "sick" now because he seems to think sick equates hospitals and dying. He saw a picture of my in the hospital from his own birth and asked if Mommy was sick. Chris had a cold and he was very concerned that Daddy was sick. So, it's sort of peaceful to think of death through a toddlers eyes - simple. At the same time, I wonder if we've done the best throughout this situation, saying goodbye to a parent while being a parent...

Christmas 2011

As always, we spent Christmas in Fresno with my family. Oliver was a delight, totally happy and excited to be surrounded by so many extended family members who adore him. The weather was perfect and we really enjoyed the time in the sun.

Hanging his stocking by the chimney with care...


Art lessons with Uncle Ricky...


Happy boy in the sun...


My older sister Gretchen had an east coast in-law year, we missed her!


Grammy & Pops...





I love this...


My parents do such a great job of decorating their house, it's wonderful!


My boys...

Halloween!

It's Halloween Eve and Oliver is napping soundly after a super fun weekend with his cousin Louisa Jane. We played on the slide, made lots of Mega Blocks castles, colored, made forts, made play-doh, ate donuts, went on bus adventures to the playground and bus hunts (which involve driving around saying, "bus, where are you?" until you see a bus, then saying "hi bus, hi bus. bye bye bus." and then starting over.) We dressed up and went to a neighborhood Halloween party where Ollie saw his other cousin Annabelle Francis and all the parents ate delicious tacos.

We've been enjoying Fall! We watched a lot of baseball in the post-season, starting with the Tigers run. Ollie is still an amazing kind and sweet little boy, saying more things all the time and full of fun ideas and games. He loves trains, buses, dinosaurs, forts and is starting to pick his own clothes. Oh boy.

Self doubt

In the last weeks Oliver has shown the first signs of self-doubt with the lifelong statement, "I can't". I don't know where he learned this specifically nor that he always uses it properly. Clearly sometimes he means he doesn't WANT to do something, but more often than not it seems to reflect true self doubt. He's 2.5 years old and he's already learned that he is limited.

As it may seem, this was a bit of a heart breaking statement for his mom to hear. Often we've replied with, "Ollie, you CAN, you can do anything you want and it's ok to try!" It's an interesting moment to think about his future and all the challenges he has before him, not to mention all the parenting challenges I can barely fathom as of now.

My goddaughter isn't very adventurous because her self-awareness and fear of failure restricts her immediate desires. I get this, of course. I've had many things I've avoided in my life for fear of embarrassment, lack of skill or self doubt. I wonder if this is inherantly different with boys and girls and I wonder what I can do to build Oliver's confidence and to prepare myself for the inevitable failures?

Now, that's some castle! You did it!

Sick Day

Ollie and I had planned today as a special day together, but it turns out we both have colds, so our special day will mostly involve being cuddled up on the couch together.

My joyful boy, when sick, likes to be "cozy", which means tightly tucked under 3-4 blankets. He reminds me of younger days as he slowly pushes closer and closer to me, sort of morphing himself under my arm and pushing his booty into my lap.

He also likes to tell me he has boogers on his face.

Nuk wins!

After 6 nights of bad sleep, Ollie got the Nuk back last night.

It was a really sweet moment for me. I went in his room, gave it back, asked if we wanted to cuddle and wrapped him up in the baby blanket my Grandma Jane made for me. He cuddled up in my arms and fell asleep, Nuk and all. He's huge and my arms hurt, but it was a really wonderful moment with my baby.

I transferred to his crib and he woke up (he's heavy, it wasn't very graceful!) and asked for more "cozy", so I tucked blankets all around him and he fell back asleep.

He's growing up, but my goodness, he's my amazing baby boy that I love more than ever.

Oliver at 28 months

Oliver likes to sing-song, "OllieMommyDaddyMookie." Pretty cute.

His imagination has exploded all of a sudden. Recently we were at dinner and he declared his corn muffin was a dinosaur and proceeded to march it back and forth across the table, "rarr!" and all. We also made play-doh recently and he just LOVEs it. He can play for a solid hour easily (attention span boom) and makes all sorts of animals, shapes and stories.

He remembers things that amaze me. We raced rubber duckies at the pumpkin farm yesterday and he woke up today talking about the blue duckie who had won. He also often tells me things about daycare, like about their dance parties, what "Leli" (eli) or "Lelo" (leo) said or did. He also understands what we are doing in a new way. On the way into the farm yesterday I asked him if he wanted some apples and he told me, "No, pick pumpkin!"

His favorite TV show is "Good Luck Charlie" on Disney Channel, which is a family sitcom with an adorable little girl named Charlie and he loves her. I'm surprised he likes a non-animated show, but he sure does. Not going to lie - Chris and I find it pretty charming too.

He does NOT know his colors - at all. "Purple, Orange, Yellow, Blue!" but never for the right color.

He continues to get taller but not gain any weight. He's been hovering at 31lbs for close to a year.

He has had some trouble falling asleep (I can't believe he hasn't climbed out of the crib yet) but for the most part (knock on wood) sleeps through the night. He still has to sleep with his Nuk, his baby, baby's Nuk and about 10 stuffed animals. I've decided I'm not worried about the Nuk thing. He only uses it in his crib and it's becoming more of a toy than true soother.

There are times he tells me things or marches around the house and seems so grown up I could cry. I think I've loved about every month more than the last, often remarking that I "love this age" (ignoring the bad days or moments he wants nothing to do with me). He's just so much of a kid now with more complicated thoughts and quirky thinking and hilarious toddler comments. He likes to tell me, "No Mommy, I big boy!"