I'm a bad blogger!  Since my last post, we moved across the country, settled in our new Orchard Fresno house, lost our sweet Mookie to Lymphoma, bought a minivan, Oliver started preschool at Shining Star Preschool, Chris started at Fresno Pacific and Roosevelt HS, and I began my consulting business.  Oh, and now I'm 37w3d pregnant and we're expecting baby boy #2 any moment!  

34 weeks

35 weeks

37 weeks

Banana Baby

I'm 20 weeks already!  This pregnancy is certainly flying by, especially compared to Oliver where I felt like I noticed every single day and spent hours researching, shopping and wondering.  Sometimes I've felt a little guilty that I'm not focused in the same way, but my OB pointed out that I AM giving this baby all my 2nd time mom expertise and lack of nerves.

That all being said, in the last few days the baby has been moving so much and I feel all sorts of kicks and punches now and I LOVE it.  I don't remember being quite so enamored with my fetus first time around, but this time I just feel like the baby is talking to me with every kick.  I also have a very sweet spot for this second born child, being a second child myself.  It changes things for everyone, I know that, but I am also keenly aware of the struggles of the second born and determined to make this baby uniquely loved and cherished.

We go in tomorrow morning for our 20 week ultrasound and I can't WAIT to confirm the sex!  In light of 2nd time motherhood, we've also decided to find out the sex, tell everyone, and we even think we'll announce the name ahead of time.  I hope it will help Oliver be prepared to know some details about his new brother or sister.

Age 3!

I was kind of emotional on the morning of Oliver's birthday, thinking of the past three years and all Oliver has brought into my life.  I kept thinking, "never have I known such joy."  By now, Oliver has a very distinct personality and I know who he is, what he likes, and often, how we will react to situations.  He is slow to warm up in new situations, then a constant chatter box.  He is FUNNY!  Chris and I often laugh out loud at the things he says.  He has a strange serious streak and tells people, "no laughing" or "too loud" at times.  Chris wonders if our own nature to be silly will make him fundamentally opposite.  He is really quite generous and I'm happy to say we've had almost zero problems with sharing.  He is gentle.  I've noticed lots (most) 3 year old boys play rough, but Ollie is really gentle.  He is sweet to his baby cousin Annabelle and gently hugs her.  He loves reading books, he loves trains, he loves any activities like playdoh or crafts.  He often asks to make "valentines" for his extended family.  

Parenting is hard and exhausting, and the older her gets, the more baffling it seems.  The conversations are getting more complex on how to be the best parent possible (most recently protection vs. adventure), but in the end, I truly have never known such joy.  I cherish the moments when we cuddle together, read books or nap and he puts his arms around me.  He asks for hugs and kisses every time I leave the house.  I know my heart is physically bigger for him.

Big Boy!

I'm so proud of Oliver (and so grateful).  He figured out potty training in 2 days total and now hasn't had a single accident in 6 days.  We went in a public restroom for the first time yesterday and he wasn't phased.  He's done fine with babysitters too.  I know boys can be super slow, so I am really thrilled.  I think it helped a ton that Chris was home this week and was really chill about it, so he didn't feel pressure.  At first we did stickers and 12 stickers = a bigger prize, but now he doesn't really ask, so we're phasing those out too.

When we talked about "no more diapers, we need to save them for the baby" he added, "and no more Nuks!"  So, he's also not using his Nuk in bed much at all either.  He'll still ask for it occasionally for naps, but it's a big change.

I'm not sad to be done with diapers, but I did have a serious nostalgia pang when I realized that after 35 months and 2 weeks, all of a sudden we haven't used the changing table at all.  It's just another of those small but poignant moments of proof that life moves quickly.  Big boy!  

New baby!

We're pregnant! Expecting our second child this October. I'm thrilled!

Oliver and I say bedtime prayers most evenings and he always prays "Dear God, baby growing..." and then pats my belly. He tells us he wants a "baby girl sister" and whenever people mention babies he says, "our baby is right there!" (and points to my stomach).

I had my 12 week appointment this week and told him I would be going to the Doctor to check on the new baby. After work I told him I heard the heartbeat and that the Doctor told me the baby was perfectly healthy and growing good and he reached out and hugged me and said "thank you mommy!"

I mean, come on!? Is there anything better in the world?

The things Ollie says!

Oliver says the darndest things lately, full of wit, rational thought, excellent memory, creativity and silly.

Sitting on one barstool, getting ready to cross to the other: "Im crossing the bridge"

While playing blocks: "Let's make a helicopter!"

Sitting next to me during oatmeal breakfast: "Oh Mommy, you get email? Ohhhh."

Singing randomly: "Watching the peoples, watching the peoples, watching the peoples!"

Upon first waking up, looking outside, Woody dangling from his hand, singing: "Its cold outside, its snow, it's cold for boots."


I've also noticed how strong his memory has become. He remembers things from weeks ago, even months ago, with the tiniest trigger or cue.

He also is keenly observant! Inevitably as we drive down the street he'll say, "Look Mommy, a turtle!" I then proceed to look all over, not seeing anything, until the bus moves and lo and behold, a TURTLE!

Almost 3! Amazing little guy.

Life and Death

Chris' father, Cary, died last December. It was all really fast and we're still recovering from the intensity of it all. Chris, Oliver and I went to Michigan for the weekend just to see how he was doing, planning to take him to the hospital and assuming we'd settle back into a new type of normal, as had been the protocol for years. Four days later he was gone...

Oliver was with us the whole weekend. When we first arrived we went straight to the ER to see Cary and I had no idea how much it would affect Oliver. I suppose I was still thinking of him as a baby that is oblivious to his surroundings, but I was wrong. As soon as we walked into the room he was clearly upset and bothered and I ended up hanging out with him in the hallways for an hour while Chris talked to the doctors and nurses.

Fortunately Chris' cousin and her family live about 10 minutes from that hospital and offered to care for Oliver most of that entire long weekend while we ended up moving him to Hospice, admitting his mother to the hospital for observational care and eventually telling him goodbye. He knew "Grandpa sick" and seemed to process the situation in his own toddler way, which is nearly impossible to navigate. Once Cary was in the Hospice wing, we decided to take Oliver to say goodbye. Cary had asked to see him and while I was confused if it would traumatize my son, I decided it was one of the few things Cary asked for in those last days and that Oliver was ultimately a resilient kid. We let him get comfy in Grandma's room across the hall, playing in her wheelchair, eating popcisles, and then eventually took him into Grandpas room. He held tightly in my arms and said a few potent things, "Grandpa sick? Grandpa sick. Grandpa sleeping." Cary woke up and saw Oliver and told him he was tired and that he loved him. Without prompting Oliver said, "Love you Grandpa, love you Grandpa, love you Grandpa." I then leaned over with him and he gave him a little hug and then Ollie kind of bounced back and seemed more his normal manic toddler self, wanting to get down and play around in the room. I almost think he said his peace, had a moment with his dying grandfather, and knew it was ok to move on with the living part of life.

That was about 5 weeks ago and in the past week Oliver has started talking about it again. We were walking out of the gym yesterday and out of nowhere he said (loudly), "Grandpa died!?" He's brought it up on his own three times in a few days. I try to talk to him about it. I tell him that it's ok to miss Grandpa and that Grandpa still loves him, but we won't see him until we go to Heaven too." I don't know that I even comprehend heaven quite that literally, but what else do you tell a 2 year old about his first tangible death experience? He doesn't seem upset at all, just aware. As we talk about it, he moves on very quickly.

We have to be sort of careful about the word "sick" now because he seems to think sick equates hospitals and dying. He saw a picture of my in the hospital from his own birth and asked if Mommy was sick. Chris had a cold and he was very concerned that Daddy was sick. So, it's sort of peaceful to think of death through a toddlers eyes - simple. At the same time, I wonder if we've done the best throughout this situation, saying goodbye to a parent while being a parent...

Christmas 2011

As always, we spent Christmas in Fresno with my family. Oliver was a delight, totally happy and excited to be surrounded by so many extended family members who adore him. The weather was perfect and we really enjoyed the time in the sun.

Hanging his stocking by the chimney with care...


Art lessons with Uncle Ricky...


Happy boy in the sun...


My older sister Gretchen had an east coast in-law year, we missed her!


Grammy & Pops...





I love this...


My parents do such a great job of decorating their house, it's wonderful!


My boys...

Halloween!

It's Halloween Eve and Oliver is napping soundly after a super fun weekend with his cousin Louisa Jane. We played on the slide, made lots of Mega Blocks castles, colored, made forts, made play-doh, ate donuts, went on bus adventures to the playground and bus hunts (which involve driving around saying, "bus, where are you?" until you see a bus, then saying "hi bus, hi bus. bye bye bus." and then starting over.) We dressed up and went to a neighborhood Halloween party where Ollie saw his other cousin Annabelle Francis and all the parents ate delicious tacos.

We've been enjoying Fall! We watched a lot of baseball in the post-season, starting with the Tigers run. Ollie is still an amazing kind and sweet little boy, saying more things all the time and full of fun ideas and games. He loves trains, buses, dinosaurs, forts and is starting to pick his own clothes. Oh boy.

Self doubt

In the last weeks Oliver has shown the first signs of self-doubt with the lifelong statement, "I can't". I don't know where he learned this specifically nor that he always uses it properly. Clearly sometimes he means he doesn't WANT to do something, but more often than not it seems to reflect true self doubt. He's 2.5 years old and he's already learned that he is limited.

As it may seem, this was a bit of a heart breaking statement for his mom to hear. Often we've replied with, "Ollie, you CAN, you can do anything you want and it's ok to try!" It's an interesting moment to think about his future and all the challenges he has before him, not to mention all the parenting challenges I can barely fathom as of now.

My goddaughter isn't very adventurous because her self-awareness and fear of failure restricts her immediate desires. I get this, of course. I've had many things I've avoided in my life for fear of embarrassment, lack of skill or self doubt. I wonder if this is inherantly different with boys and girls and I wonder what I can do to build Oliver's confidence and to prepare myself for the inevitable failures?

Now, that's some castle! You did it!

Sick Day

Ollie and I had planned today as a special day together, but it turns out we both have colds, so our special day will mostly involve being cuddled up on the couch together.

My joyful boy, when sick, likes to be "cozy", which means tightly tucked under 3-4 blankets. He reminds me of younger days as he slowly pushes closer and closer to me, sort of morphing himself under my arm and pushing his booty into my lap.

He also likes to tell me he has boogers on his face.

Nuk wins!

After 6 nights of bad sleep, Ollie got the Nuk back last night.

It was a really sweet moment for me. I went in his room, gave it back, asked if we wanted to cuddle and wrapped him up in the baby blanket my Grandma Jane made for me. He cuddled up in my arms and fell asleep, Nuk and all. He's huge and my arms hurt, but it was a really wonderful moment with my baby.

I transferred to his crib and he woke up (he's heavy, it wasn't very graceful!) and asked for more "cozy", so I tucked blankets all around him and he fell back asleep.

He's growing up, but my goodness, he's my amazing baby boy that I love more than ever.

Oliver at 28 months

Oliver likes to sing-song, "OllieMommyDaddyMookie." Pretty cute.

His imagination has exploded all of a sudden. Recently we were at dinner and he declared his corn muffin was a dinosaur and proceeded to march it back and forth across the table, "rarr!" and all. We also made play-doh recently and he just LOVEs it. He can play for a solid hour easily (attention span boom) and makes all sorts of animals, shapes and stories.

He remembers things that amaze me. We raced rubber duckies at the pumpkin farm yesterday and he woke up today talking about the blue duckie who had won. He also often tells me things about daycare, like about their dance parties, what "Leli" (eli) or "Lelo" (leo) said or did. He also understands what we are doing in a new way. On the way into the farm yesterday I asked him if he wanted some apples and he told me, "No, pick pumpkin!"

His favorite TV show is "Good Luck Charlie" on Disney Channel, which is a family sitcom with an adorable little girl named Charlie and he loves her. I'm surprised he likes a non-animated show, but he sure does. Not going to lie - Chris and I find it pretty charming too.

He does NOT know his colors - at all. "Purple, Orange, Yellow, Blue!" but never for the right color.

He continues to get taller but not gain any weight. He's been hovering at 31lbs for close to a year.

He has had some trouble falling asleep (I can't believe he hasn't climbed out of the crib yet) but for the most part (knock on wood) sleeps through the night. He still has to sleep with his Nuk, his baby, baby's Nuk and about 10 stuffed animals. I've decided I'm not worried about the Nuk thing. He only uses it in his crib and it's becoming more of a toy than true soother.

There are times he tells me things or marches around the house and seems so grown up I could cry. I think I've loved about every month more than the last, often remarking that I "love this age" (ignoring the bad days or moments he wants nothing to do with me). He's just so much of a kid now with more complicated thoughts and quirky thinking and hilarious toddler comments. He likes to tell me, "No Mommy, I big boy!"

I love this kid and his deep love of (all) things Disney Jr. and (many) things Pixar.

27 months

25 months

All of a sudden I am struck with how many of the things he says are correct, appropriate, relevant, and timely. It's so fun to watch him becoming a rational person with valid ideas.

I gave him a banana muffin for breakfast and he said, "mama 2 fuffins." I obliged and without prompting, he said, "thank YOU!" and gave me a big cheesy smile.

I laid on his couch for pre-bed story time last night (zzz) and he proceeded to come place appx 10 books on my lap. He then went into the kitchen, brought Chris in his room and had us both sit in the precise spots he wanted, sat in the middle of us, and listened to one page, then got up to continue gathering books, showing his stuffed animals and dancing. He's such a performed.

He loves to play "Your turn!" When music comes on he will dance for .5 seconds and then point and say, "your turn!" and go around the room to everyone.

He has fallen back in love with his babydoll and always wants "baby Nuk" for the BABY. Sneaky Pete has clearly realized an extra baby Nuk around means more Nuks for him. He tells us "baby sleeping" and "baby milk" to care for it. Pretty sweet.

As soon as the coffeepot beeps in the morning he smiles and looks bright and alert and says "Mommy coffee!"

He feeds Mookie about 50% of the time now, and actually gets the food in the right bowl and not on the floor. Chores are awesome.

I love this age. He's enough baby to still cuddle with me, smell sweet and need his parents, but big enough boy that he can walk places, communicate his wants and his attention span is up to about 25 minutes.

K College

Mom and her future K Hornet

En route to the east side of the state to see Cary and Donna, we stopped in Kalamazoo for lunch at Road House and briefly drove through campus. My alma mater - what a fantastic place! The older I get I am more grateful than ever for the education I had there. I am so proud of my parents for encouraging me to pick the RIGHT school, no matter the location and cost (I can't currently fathom encouraging Ollie to go 2,000+ miles away from me!). I am filled with amazing memories of my time in Kalamazoo. Trowbridge, Hoben, Severn. The theatre, the admissions office, the quad.

I immediately remember my first two English classes with Gail Griffin and my first C paper and the subsequent time she spent with me helping me learn how to write. I remember Dr. Dorrien and all the religion classes that cracked into my upbringing with an amazing clarity - "The Word as True Myth". I remember Adrienne giving me her old copy of "Franny and Zooey". I remember Ed Menta's theatre history courses and singing early American Musicals with Ryan. I remember freshman year sociology and learning that you can't really ditch class anymore. I remember almost failing statistics as a senior. I remember doing Vagina Monologues to standing ovations. I remember by Senior Individualized Project, Julie Johnson. I remember talking to Wa and encouraging her to perform with confidence and having a little glimmer of what my life in leadership could look like. I remember countless admissions tours and overnights and all the kids I encouraged to choose K if it was right for them. I remember cooking dinner for Felicity, Megan and Sarah as a sophomore and feeling so honored to have older friends. I remember partying with Ryan, Matt and Caitlin and loving having such fun younger friends. I remember Lauren and Jen being loyal roommates who felt like sisters at times. I remember graduation day feeling so sad. I remember walking back onto campus the day after graduation and immediately realizing it was time to move on.

In this last visit, I mainly noticed that I no longer felt nostalgia in the same way. The students seemed so much younger than me that I couldn't quite pretend I fit in anymore. I walked through the quad mainly hoping that Oliver will get a wonderful college experience too.

0, 1, 2

2009

2010

2011

I have a TWO year old boy!

Oliver James is now a toddlin' tootin' terribly wonderful TWO year old.

His birthday was last week and we've been having little parties for a couple weeks, his formal birthday party yesterday. I think it's taken all these celebrations, all these moments for me to have the capacity to attempt to collect my thoughts on this milestone in his life.

I have been thinking of Ollie's birth story, the moment he came into my life. We didn't know who was coming and I had no idea I'd get such a bouncing blonde boy! I remember so vividly the moment his head came out, I remember how hard it was to push, I remember Chris holding my hand, my brother yelping and my mom crying. I remember looking at him as they carried him to the warming table and immediately yet slowly realizing that he was a real boy, a real individualized person to join our family. He wasn't me, he wasn't Chris, he was Oliver! Chris and I knew right away what to name him and ever since people tell me, "you know, he looks like an Oliver!" After all the chatter and guests, Chris laid Ollie in my weak arms and went to find food for himself. I immediately started crying as I naturally told Oliver who I was and how I'd always care for him to the best of my abilities. Ahh, motherhood!

I truly delight in my son. He is a constant reminder that life should and CAN be joyous. He laughs all the time. When he is hurt he relishes in being comforted. He forgives easily and looks forward to each experience, small moment and story. He is happy to share himself with the people around. He expresses himself, makes himself known. He is proud of his accomplishments and he loves himself. He likes to comfort me when I'm sad and is very empathetic when his baby cousins cry.

Ollie is still one of the cutest kids I've ever seen. He has fine floppy blond hair that grows in a perfect swirl out of the middle of his head. His huge eyes are as blue as the Caribbean ocean and he has round apple cheeks. His front two teeth are rounded and have space between them and when they show in a smile it makes me giggle. He is strong and big, though I can see he has slimmed down from Age 1 to 2.

As his birthday party was wrapping up I looked over and saw Ollie with his new bike helmet, one shoe on, one shoe off, a lollipop sticking out his mouth, a new toy in his hand and fully entranced watching his friend play near him. He's so grown, so pulled together! To think last year he wasn't walking yet, and now he hit a pinata and demanded a respectable fork for his cake!

I cried a few weeks ago as I realized (again) how fast this is going, and cried for the time that we'll never re-gain. His baby years are gone forever. But Chris pointed out to me that we have no regrets, which is all we can ask for in life. Somehow we raised a newborn into a toddler who is happy and healthy. We didn't use many books, just our own instincts and the wisdom of our trusted community, and we became parents. We are parents. I am Oliver's mommy and there is no greater moment in the world than when he runs down the hall to me with his arms stretched wide for a hug.

Disneyland!

Disneyland is the happiest place on earth. Here is why.

1. The staff are all amazingly friendly.
2. The attention to detail is incredible, leaving constant eye candy at every corner.
3. They handle crowds better than anyone. Lines are interesting, crowds are controlled. The combination of "single rider lines" and "fast pass" meant we never waited more than about 20 minutes for anything.
4. The smiles on children and adults are abundant and infectious!
5. It is CLEAN and pretty.
6. They seem to actually care about visitors. Ollie wore a "Happy Birthday Oliver" pin around the park for a few hours and must have received 10-15 well wishes from staff.
7. Mickey and his crew, I mean, come on. They are so stinkin' cute.
8. The spectacle of it all! World of Color was one of the most exciting, silly, funny, sentimental shows I'd seen in a long time, just perfectly done.
9. Music - everywhere you go! Live marching bands, jazz ensembles, music in your own seat on roller coasters, etc.
10. Great for all ages. Babies, toddlers, lovesick teens, hipster urbanites, young families and grandparents alike, all happy in one place.

The Haunted Mansion with Uncle Ricky

One of my favorite moments- quiet morning in New Orleans Square

Models

3 day Park Hopper passes gave us one "Magical Morning" which allowed entry to the park an hour before it opened. You can see our eyes are puffy and we were exhausted, but we did ALL of the Fantasyland rides + Matterhorn 2x in about 75 minutes. Awesome.

Ollie and Pops on Jungle Cruise!

The Greater Hoff Family

Ollie's favorite. In one week he went from saying "fee fee" to "Goofy"! Good job vocab skills.

The King of Happy himself - Sir Mickey.

Dr. Linda Hoff, PhD, Mom, Grammy

My mom began her second graduate degree the Fall after my little sister moved to Oregon for college. It was a big leap for her to pursue a degree that she'd always wanted and felt she should have in order to continue her years of high ranking academic positions. It was grueling at times, for her, but also for my dad and our family. The pressures of doctoral work and research are amazing to me! She commuted 4 hours to Claremont once a week for 2 years, had an apartment away from my dad, and managed to keep a full time job as the Director of Education in Fresno while also in school AND spending time with both her daughters when the babies were born.

I am so proud of her! She completed her doctoral research on the topic of how universities select "master teachers" for student teachers, and how so often they are not picking the most qualified ones and all the ramifications that has on the new teachers entering the field of education. Seeing as Chris will student teach this Fall, it was a very appropriate and interesting study. She is so passionate about her work and truly cares for students. Her highly intuitive empathetic side pulls her out of the malaise of bureaucratic red tape and keeps her connected to the heart of the matters.

My mom is a role model to me - constantly working to balance her marriage, career, and family.

Go Dr. Mom!

Check out that hood!
Three doctoral stripes!